Sunday, December 31, 2017

2017: Diagnosis--bipolar

I told someone, "This has been a trying year."

But, that wasn't quite right and I quickly amended my statement.
"This has been a bipolar year.  It held some of my most incredibly high heights and the lowest lows and greatest uncertainty I've ever known."

That's better.  That's more accurate.
Even as my paternal grandmother lay dying and my brother-in-law (the brother I never had!) was down the street in the ICU slowly and uncertainly coming back to us I knew I had a lot to be grateful for, that my life is a good one, that I am blessed.

Even when the Good Earth Market was closing shop for the last time, I knew Matt and I have a good thing going for us.
Still.

I can feel the strain, stress, and trauma of this year resonating inside me to this day.  It changed me.  I'm still coming to terms with that, too.  I just kept waiting to feel "back to normal."  But I'm starting to wonder if I ever will.  If life experiences shape and mold us I'm trying to make peace with how I've been altered.  And not just me, either.
A couple months back Matt told me that my maternal grandma had called and wanted me to call my uncle.  Immediately my brain started putting together alarming worse-case style scenarios--is Patrick okay?  Or is it about Grandpa?  Turns out, they were calling about a tie-dye order.  Be still my heart....it is all okay.   It is all okay.  It is all okay.  It is all okay.

That is what leads me to say it has been a trying year.  I'm ready for a New Year.  For a reboot.
However, I'd be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the joy, the delight, the beauty that was bestowed upon me this year as well.  A cross-country road trip involving three women who've loved me just about the longest out of all the people I know.  A mystical overnight with Matt in the sand dunes.  A weekend musical adventure with my most favorite dancing companions at Silvercloud.  Reconnecting with Marj in LA after 15 years apart.  Digging dinosaur bones.  Sharing in love and friendship at wedding after wedding after wedding all summer long.  Jetting off for a getaway in the desert one cold February weekend.  Bicycle rides.  Sunsets.  Ginger and Johnny.  Game nights.  Family visits.  Concerts.  Teddy Roosevelt NP.  Dinner parties.  Meteor showers.  Sewing retreats.  A total eclipse.  Hot springs.
Life is good.  Even when it isn't.

Three cheers to another New Year and all the highs and lows it will bring.  Hip, hip--Hooray!  Hip, hip--Hooray!  Hip, hip--Hooray!
(But maybe a little more mellow this year, eh, Universe?)

4 comments:

  1. Happy New Year, Beth! I don't tend to think of years as being good or bad, but days, rather. Funny, I just think that way. But I just had a horrible phone call from my dear friend - her husband shot and killed himself today. She was in the house. I wonder what the new year will bring her.

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    1. Praying the new year brings much peace to your friend.

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  2. Happy New Year!

    ~Have a lovely day!

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    1. Wow! February already and just now realizing I had unpublished comments! Oooops! Thanks so much for the well wishes--right back at you and yours!

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